TOP GUN

Cast: Tom Cruise, Val Kilmer, Tom Skerrit, Kelly Mcguillis, or is it Mcguinness? No it’s definitely Mcgullis and the headmaster from Back to the Future, you know, the bald guy.

Plot: Hot shot rookie fighter pilot played by Tom Cruise is awesome at flying planes, has a best mate/co pilot called Goose and doesn’t get on with his icy, less charismatic rival. Involved in a big accident which kills Goose and shatters his confidence, finds muse in a psychologist with a big blonde perm which allows him to re-assess his life and re-find his focus. Makes peace with rival, kicks ass in the final battle and goes off with the girl.

Critical Analysis: : After confronting his demons and saving the ass of former nemesis and over night best mate Ice Man, Maverick (Tom Cruise in the peak of his slick hair gel period) sits lonely in the café while pondering over the one who got away (Kelly Mcguillis in the peak of her buffont bubble perm period). Enter said bubble haired heroine as she slots a dime (or quarter, or even a dollar! Who knows?) into the jukebox to play ‘their tune’, Mav turns around, sees the perm and boom! Love rekindled and life is made worthwhile.

A beautiful moment it may be, but let’s be honest, how many times have you stuck your money in a jukebox and have your first song come on straight away? Granted it can happen but, like a total eclipse or a streaker at a cup final, it doesn’t happen often and it’s quite often a moment to treasure! The grim reality is, you bung your shrapnel in and if you’re lucky, you have to wait for about three songs to play before your choices pop up, and to be frank, that’s after spending half the evening trying to find the tune that you’re bloody looking for!

So here’s the reality, Mcguillis walks in, sees Cruise moping over his coffee at the bar, pops in her quarter (dime, dollar etc) and waits for the sweet sound of Berlin only for ‘Baggy Trousers’ by Madness to fill the room. After standing by the jukebox for another two songs, she thinks fuck it, I may as well just go over there and tap him on the shoulder, I mean ‘Shadappa Your Face’ wasn’t really what I was going for but sod it, I’m here now.

Underwhelming I know, but face it, that’s pretty much how the proverbial cookie would crumble.

Happily ever after? Fighter Pilot with a penchant for reckless endangerment coupled with a Psychologist? Surely that’s just a wet dream for both of them!

Inspired by: the notion that America would and could never start a conflict, but hell they’ll bloody well end one with great fanfare and cutthroat precision cos that’s why they’re the greatest country in the world! Oh say can you see…

Inspired: people to think that Aviator sunglasses were cool.

Watch it for: 2 doses of Kenny Loggins! And for the ladies, the completely gratuitous and unnecessary half naked, greased up game of volleyball.

Verdict: Breath-taking! Boom!