DIRECTOR: Gareth ‘Godzilla’ Edwards

CAST: Stephen Hawkin’s wife, Ip Man, Idi Amin, Hannibal, the voice of Mufasa (standard).


Little girl runs away after her mother gets killed and her dad is forced to help build the death star for the Empire, though now it’s probably merely called something like ‘our big badass weapon’. She grows up to be a rebel, not an official ‘we fight against the empire’ rebel but the type that argues a lot, fights people and the like.

By hook or by crook, she ends up with the ‘real’ rebellion, goes to see the guy who brought her up (before leaving her) where she receives a message (from a rogue pilot) that her dad is alive and well, built a death star and on top of that, made a flaw in it so it can be blown the fuck up.

So, our little rebel goes back to the official rebels and says “hey, we need to go over to that random planet that looks like the Bahamas, go to war and steal their plans” and they’re like “no way man, that’ll be like really stupid cos we’ll all die and shit”.

In the end, some go and some do not and those who fight ends up doing a bang up job, the rest of the rebellion gets wind of this ‘rogue’ group’s success and thinks “yeah, fuck it, let’s help”, and with the help of Red Leader (damn straight), they steal the Death Star plans, get them to safety which sets us up lovely for 1977.


They say “hope” a lot.

INSPIRED BY: Something far far away

WILL INSPIRE: More prequel/spin offs. Including a stand-alone Han Solo movie.

MORAL: Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. (Dufresne 19 Sixty something)




It’s Oscar season. Hooray! The time of year where the best films (apparently) of the year are celebrated and the best performances and films are given awards by a bunch of people who probably haven’t seen a great deal of the movies concerned.

So, another year and another load of cracking films and performances etc to choose from, and like any other year, there are questions, disagreements and controversies (probably).

The beard of course has questions and opinions, and here goes.

Dev Patel – Best Supporting Actor.

Supporting actor? Seriously? Lion is centred around HIS character!!! It is about HIM!!! And Dev Patel leads most of the film, this would be like giving Sylvester Stallone a ‘best supporting actor’ nomination for Rocky!

Last year of course, Alicia Vikander won the ‘best supporting actress’ gong for The Danish Girl, a film in which she was as much as if not more of a lead than Eddie Redmayne (who, incidentally was nominated in the best lead actor category). Why is this? Why would what is clearly a lead role be considered as support? Essentially, her performance was so good it deserved to be rewarded, not only that, she had a great year. The only problem being that Brie Larsson was also nominated for Room and if she didn’t win there would have been hell to pay. So, what to do when we pretty much want to award both yet we’re quite worried that this year’s darling won’t win? Simple, stick one of them in the other category.

This year sees Casey Affleck as most people’s favourite for ‘best actor’, Dev Patel was fantastic and provides very reasonable competition. What to do? I know! we’ll do what we did with the women last year and bump dear little Dev into ‘supporting’ and give him the award he deserves. Even if it is in the wrong fucking category!!!

Ruth Negga – Best Actress

I know what you’re asking. Has Ruth Negga been nominated as an answer to last years ‘there are no black people nominated controversy’? Well, maybe a little but that will be taking away from what is a terrific performance which has received a most deserved nomination. No, the biggest issue with this is that while Negga receives all the plaudits, her co-star Joel Edgerton is left out in the cold. Much like last year when Charlotte Rampling received all of the nominations while her 45 Years co-star got diddly squat, the academy are pulling focus on one half of a couple, who’s performance though excellent, was merely as good as her dance partner’s.


Great film, awesome looking, beautifully directed and great performances. Wait, what? No nomination for any acting performances? You’re kidding me right? Of course not, this is the Oscars. Any film (not always, but more often than not) that’s laden with digital effects will tend to be solely recognised for that, completely ignoring the fact that these effects and wonderful imagery are glued together by fine acting. Think Lord Of The Rings, the third instalment won pretty much every fucking thing bar the acting categories. Why’s that I here you ask? That would be because not one actor from the series received one bastard nomination. Perhaps acting with digital effects doesn’t count, I don’t know. And don’t get me started on Andy Serkis, we all believed in Gollum, Kong and Caeser but, obviously that’s because the effects team made it look so good, nothing to do with the performance that they had to work from.

Which brings me to Amy Adams, she absolutely kills it in Arrival, a beautifully layered performance that combined heartbreak with passion and determination. The whole film (which is ace) is underpinned by her performance, but yeah, bollocks, the aliens look really good, THAT’S why it’s one of the best films of the year.

Oh, and she was great in Nocturnal Animals too.

Captain Fantastic

Best picture nomination perhaps? Probably deserves to be but the academy has worked hard balancing the colour divide (a black actor in every category no less) so maybe championing the weird and wonderful is too much of a stretch at this point. But Kudos on recognising Viggo Mortensen’s performance though. Kudos.

So there’s my questions and whinges regarding this year. Apart from the fact that there is not one mention of Swiss Army Man. But I won’t get started on that as I’ll be here all day. But watch it, it’s fucking ace.


"Bad Santa 2" Day 23


 Billy Bob Thornton, Kathy Burke, the little black dude from the first one and ‘Me, Myself and Irene’.


 Billy Bob’s still a loser and still in touch with Thurman Murman, though now Thurman is no longer a little fat kid but now a little fat 21 year old.

After failing to kill himself, Thornton receives a visit from his former elf/partner in crime offering him the chance for a new heist opportunity with a new partner. So after some deliberation and midget gags, he accepts and their off to Chicago (at least it was Chicago to my memory, it could have been Boston, it’s cold and snowy. I’m sure it’s Chicago).

They arrive to do the old santa/elf thing again while also meeting with the organizer of the new heist. It turns out to be Billy Bob’s mother (Burke) who works at the charity to which they’re going to rob. Bad taste jokes, sex and set pieces follow, all of which leads nicely to the final heist. Same old shit really but, you know, older.


There’s a scene where Billy Bob is in a bar drinking (obviously) and smoking. The barman tells Billy Bob that he can’t smoke at the bar to the Bob lambasts with something typically sarcastic and dismissive.

This is absolutely fine and expected of course, Thornton’s character is an arsehole so he naturally wouldn’t adhere to this rule/law. However, this is the problem. Billy Bob is flicking his fag ash into the ashtray next to him. This naturally leads to the next logical question, if you have a no smoking indoors rule, why in the holy fuck would you have ashtrays on the bar? You’re kind of asking for it there aren’t you!

And for those amongst you that may suggest that he brought it in himself, fair point but considering that he pissed on his own floor rather than using the toilet, I severely doubt it.


Money, clearly. There is no other reason for a sequel of this ilk, unless of course you feel that Dumb and Dumber, Zoolander and the first Bad Santa were unfinished stories. If you do, fair do’s but you’re clearly an idiot.


I was going to say a slew of cynical anti Christmas films but there wasn’t many of them after the first one so maybe not.


Good. But that’ll do.


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