BALLERINA (LEAP)

CAST: Elle Fanning, There are others of course, but currently I can only think of Elle Fanning.

PLOT: A little orphan girl escapes a Britanny orphanage with her wannabe inventor mate. Arrives in Paris, sneaks into a famous dance school and ends up living with the cleaner. Said cleaner is working for an evil woman who is training her equally evil daughter to go to said special ballet school. Little orphan girl steals evil girl’s identity and joins ballet school with the quest to be in the Nutcracker.

So she starts off shit and the superstar teacher knows that she’s shit but then her cleaner guardian woman decides to teach her (because she used to be a dancer, who knew?), cue a montage or two and boom, little orphan girl is now a ballerina.

It isn’t going to plain sailing of course, and naturally little orphan girl’s plan is foiled when evil bitch and daughter find out. Fortunately, the teacher dude doesn’t expel her but puts the two girls in competition with each other. So after a couple of dramatic footfalls, little orphan fucks up the final audition, goes home, thinks ‘no, fuck this, I’m going back to Paris to live my dream blah blah blah’, does so and has a dance off with her evil rival. It all ends well bar when our heroine is being chased up the Statue of Liberty. Oh yeah, this film is set in the olden days, when the Eiffel Tower is part built, which makes a little more sense in regards to the statue.

CRITICAL ANALYSIS: When orphan girl visits her fellow stowaway, she finds that he’s an engineer’s apprentice working on the Eiffel Tower and the Statue of Liberty. As he shows her through the yard, we see part of the statue in all of its green glory, and that’s the problem. The Statue of Liberty is made out of copper which, of course is brown, over time it will become weathered and yes go green. But it’s not going to go green while it’s fucking being built! It was built in 1886 and by 1920 it was fully transformed into the statue that we know today, so that’s a period of 34 years. So well done to the makers of ‘Ballerina’, some poor kid is going to laughed at and bullied to shit at school as they’re going to argue with the science teacher and state that the Statue of Liberty was green while it was being built purely because of your historical inaccuracy. Twats!

INSPIRED BY: Suspiria

MORAL: Don’t ever underestimate your cleaner/crippled hobbling local mad woman. She was probably once like a really good dancer or something.

VERDICT: Better than ‘Capture The Flag’.