fifty shades

DIRECTOR: Sam Taylor-Johnson. She also directed ‘Nowhere Boy’ which was the story of a young John Lennon. It was nice.

CAST: Jamie Dornan, Dakota Johnson

PLOT: A student replaces her ill journalist friend and interviews the hot (in a business sense) new business magnate. He fancies her, she fancies him and so begins their relationship. A BDSM relationship no less, cos he likes that kind of thing. So Anastasia (that’s the student’s name by the way) goes along with it, signs his contract (he has a contract) and engages in some freaky deaky sex.

This all goes well until she can’t take it anymore. Basically she just wants  cuddles and Mr Grey does not do normal lovey dovey shit very well. So it all ends up going a bit wrong and she says “damn it! I can’t do this crap no mo! It’s over boyo!”

And that be it. At least until the sequel, which I’m sure I’ll review whenever I can be arsed to watch it. Bearing in mind that it’s taken me 2 years to watch this bollocks, let’s not hold our breath.

CRITICAL ANALYSIS: When Miss Steele (Anastasia the student’s last name) gets out of her mate’s car to enter Mr Grey’s building, (oh, she borrowed her flatmate’s flashy Merc as it looked a bit better than her shitty Beetle) she looks in awe at the building, gulps, and enters.

Fine right? Well, I for one didn’t see her lock the car. She waltzes out of this beautiful sports car and walks into the bloody building. THAT’S HER FRIEND’S CAR!!!  What is she going to say to her mate when she gets back? “Oh, sorry, I forgot to lock it while parked in a super busy city centre. Yes I’m aware that it’s a crime hotspot but you see, the building was like, really big!” It’s fine though, you can have my shitty Beetle. Selfish bitch!

INSPIRED BY: Those awesome late Friday night movies that Channel 5 used to play in the late 90’s. Remember those? They had daft titles like ‘Sexual Malice’, ‘Night Moves’ and ‘Midnight Passion’. The only thing missing is the soprano sax!

INSPIRED: ‘Bound’. Not the Wachowski’s cult classic, but a recent TV movie starring Charisma Carpenter. Remember her? She used to be Cordelia in ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’. So, if you were a teenage boy in the late 90s/early 00s, your dream of seeing Cordelia getting her norks out finally becomes a reality. Even if it years 20 years later than ideal.

VERDICT: It’s pretty rubbish. But that’s fine, did anyone go into the cinema thinking it may be anything else? My god no! You’ve read the book right?  If you came out of the theatre with any genuine anger or disappointment, you’re a fucking idiot!


DIRECTOR: Martin Scorsese

CAST: Spiderman, Kylo Ren, Rob Roy

PLOT: 2 Portuguese priests (who’s English happen to be spot bloody on) travel to Japan to find their mentor. Now their mentor has disappeared and apparently renounced his faith as this is old school Japan, and in old school Japan, Christianity is outlawed and the practicing of it is forbidden, like really forbidden, so bad that if caught you’d be wrapped in a giant sushi rolling mat and burnt to death and shit.

So the priests arrive, and in between hiding from the authorities and enquiring about Roy, they spend their time doing mass and confessions and stuff.

And so it goes, people get caught, people get killed while one dude consistently renounces and reclaims his faith throughout. In the meantime, the priests continue their journey and encounter numerous obstacles and challenges as they go. All of this is done very slowly, deliberately and serenely. So much so that I drifted off and smacked my bastard head against the back of the chair in front, which was neither slow, deliberate or bloody serene!

CRITICAL ANALYSIS: When travelling from village to village to help people practice their naughty faith, the priests have to travel by boat which naturally means that they will also have to get out while it’s still in the water. All this seems well and fine of course, but bear in mind how heavy the cotton would be in those days, having your clothes getting soaking yet and drying naturally while you’re still wearing them is going to cause some serious chafing. Particularly where the thigh joins the crotch, boy if you get damp and don’t dry properly in that area it makes walking a bloody painful experience. We’ve all been there.

INSPIRED BY: Blues Brothers. Makes a good ‘mission from God’ double bill.

WILL INSPIRE: More beards! This film has some epic beards!

VERDICT: Left me “speechless”. Some cracking word play for you there.

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