DIRECTOR: Martin Scorsese

CAST: Spiderman, Kylo Ren, Rob Roy

PLOT: 2 Portuguese priests (who’s English happen to be spot bloody on) travel to Japan to find their mentor. Now their mentor has disappeared and apparently renounced his faith as this is old school Japan, and in old school Japan, Christianity is outlawed and the practicing of it is forbidden, like really forbidden, so bad that if caught you’d be wrapped in a giant sushi rolling mat and burnt to death and shit.

So the priests arrive, and in between hiding from the authorities and enquiring about Roy, they spend their time doing mass and confessions and stuff.

And so it goes, people get caught, people get killed while one dude consistently renounces and reclaims his faith throughout. In the meantime, the priests continue their journey and encounter numerous obstacles and challenges as they go. All of this is done very slowly, deliberately and serenely. So much so that I drifted off and smacked my bastard head against the back of the chair in front, which was neither slow, deliberate or bloody serene!

CRITICAL ANALYSIS: When travelling from village to village to help people practice their naughty faith, the priests have to travel by boat which naturally means that they will also have to get out while it’s still in the water. All this seems well and fine of course, but bear in mind how heavy the cotton would be in those days, having your clothes getting soaking yet and drying naturally while you’re still wearing them is going to cause some serious chafing. Particularly where the thigh joins the crotch, boy if you get damp and don’t dry properly in that area it makes walking a bloody painful experience. We’ve all been there.

INSPIRED BY: Blues Brothers. Makes a good ‘mission from God’ double bill.

WILL INSPIRE: More beards! This film has some epic beards!

VERDICT: Left me “speechless”. Some cracking word play for you there.

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