ALIEN

DIRECTOR: Ridley Scott

CAST: Sigourney Weaver, John Hurt, Tom Skerritt

PLOT: The crew aboard the spaceship ‘Nostromo’ are directed to a random planet from which they receive what looks like a stress call. The planet is dusty and windy as shitting hell which, in turn fucks up the ship. While some of the crew fix the ship, John Hurt gets face fucked by an alien specie and is suitably unconscious. Ripley (Weaver) doesn’t want them back on the ship, but is over-ridden which, in turn is probably a poor idea. Scrap that, it’s a poor idea.

A little time later, the alien thing detaches itself from John Hurt’s face and promptly dies, unlike Hurt who wakes up and feels fine. At least until dinner, when a little hideous alien baby bursts out of his chest. His fucking chest!!!

The ship’s crew scour the ship in a quest to find the alien, which subsequently gets big and bastard scary. In turn, each member of the crew gets picked off horrendously until Ripley is left to sort this shit out for herself, which she does. Sort of.

Oh and the crew had a cat, who also survives. Which is a relief.

CRITICAL ANALYSIS: Now being a child of the 90’s, I’ve had to witness the rise of many stupid fads (spokey dokeys and bermuda shorts to name but a few) and terms. One of which was ‘Girl Power’, most noticeably used by girl group ‘The Spice Girls’. Now I had issues with the Spice Girls, mainly due to the fact the Geri Halliwell came across as an obnoxious egotistical dick, but also because of this term ‘girl power’. Now don’t get me wrong, empowering a generation of soon to be women in a still male dominated world is nothing but positive, but let’s get this into perspective.

The Spice Girls were a music group, they sang, and shouted a lot. Ellen Ripley contended with severe emotional trauma while fending off and ultimately dispatching a huge motherfucking man-eating alien. Now that’s girl power twat-heads! That’s girl fucking power!

MORAL: Advanced technology is a wonderful thing, but inevitably will bite us in the ass. So approach with caution and my god, don’t trust it with your life!

INSPIRED: E.T

REASON TO WATCH: Because it’s ALIEN. If you haven’t seen it, liked PROMETHIUS and can’t figure out why some don’t like it. It’s because it’s not ALIEN!

PLANET OF THE APES

Source: PLANET OF THE APES

DIRECTOR: Franklin J. Schaffner

CAST: Charlton Heston and a bunch of people dressed as monkeys.

PLOT: 3 NASA pilots crash land on a planet of some kind. 2 die, Charlton Heston doesn’t. He does however get caught in a net by an army of monkeys on horseback along with more human beings who, unlike Chuck, can’t talk. I know, odd.

When Chuck does talk the apes are like ‘what the fuck?’ and hand him over to the scientist monkeys who end up (eventually) helping him escape, along with his new mute fit-bitch.

So Heston and his new piece are trotting along some forbidden zone on their way to safety where they, well you know the end. Jesus, I had never seen the film and I knew the fucking end.

CRITICAL ANALYSIS: When the astranouts crash land Heston notes that it’s the year 3978. Now I am no scientist and I am aware that copper takes a long time to corrode, but I seriously doubt that the Statue of Liberty would still be there and intact. Just saying.

INSPIRED BY: The Jungle Book.

INSPIRED: Harry and the Hendersons

REASON TO WATCH: Because it’s ace. But no need to watch the sequels cos they’re, you know, pretty shite. But not the new ones, they’re ace too!

PLANET OF THE APES

DIRECTOR: Franklin J. Schaffner

CAST: Charlton Heston and a bunch of people dressed as monkeys.

PLOT: 3 NASA pilots crash land on a planet of some kind. 2 die, Charlton Heston doesn’t. He does however get caught in a net by an army of monkeys on horseback along with more human beings who, unlike Chuck, can’t talk. I know, odd.

When Chuck does talk the apes are like ‘what the fuck?’ and hand him over to the scientist monkeys who end up (eventually) helping him escape, along with his new mute fit-bitch.

So Heston and his new piece are trotting along some forbidden zone on their way to safety where they, well you know the end. Jesus, I had never seen the film and I knew the fucking end.

CRITICAL ANALYSIS: When the astranouts crash land Heston notes that it’s the year 3978. Now I am no scientist and I am aware that copper takes a long time to corrode, but I seriously doubt that the Statue of Liberty would still be there and intact. Just saying.

INSPIRED BY: The Jungle Book.

INSPIRED: Harry and the Hendersons

REASON TO WATCH: Because it’s ace. But no need to watch the sequels cos they’re, you know, pretty shite. But not the new ones, they’re ace too!

JAWS

DIRECTOR: Steven Spielberg

CAST: Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss, Robert Shaw, Lorraine Gary, Murray Hamilton

PLOT: After a bunch of townsfolk are gobbled up by a mother-fucking Great White Shark, the police chief, a shark expert and a shark hunter take out the latter’s shitty boat in an attempt to kill it. And that’s pretty much it, sounds basic as fuck right? It’s not. It’s the tits!

CRITICAL ANALYSIS:

All of the shark related deaths in the film are no doubt tragic. None more so than the little Kintner boy who had so much of his life still ahead of him. However, without being insensitive, perhaps death by shark was a blessing in disguise. Let’s bare this in mind, Alex (I believe that was his name) shot out into the sea for one last paddle on his lilo. Now, as we should all be aware, currents and rip-tides are no joke. We see it all the time where the coast guard is called out to save someone who has floated into the arse end of nowhere on their inflatable bastard boats. Let’s be honest, they’re fucking death traps! So with this in mind, though tragic, at least Alex’s death was quick and decisive. I would imagine that he would rather that than starving to death after drifting haplessly into the middle of the ocean. Of course there is a small chance that he may come across a big ass boat ala Castaway, but the chances are minimal.

MORAL: Boating lakes are dangerous too!

INSPIRED: every single piss awful killer shark movie made since 1975.

INSPIRED BY: I dunno. Moby Dick? There’s another example of a big bastard sea creature battering the hell out of a boat for no reason. The dick.

VERDICT: The best shark movie ever made. Which to be fair doesn’t give it the props it deserves as we are comparing it too shit like Deep Blue Sea, Jaws 2,3D & The Revenge and of course the Shark Attack movies. Seriously, this is the film equivalent of Barcelona FC playing in the same league as Halifax and Altringham.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (2017)

DIRECTOR: Bill Condon

CAST

Hermione Granger, the guy from Downton Abbey who died in a car crash on Christmas day, Luke Evans, Kevin Kline, Gandalf, Ewan McGregor, Olaf.

PLOT

Same as the original. Except we have a bit more back story, like for instance, there’s a reason why nobody paid attention that there’s a fucking great big castle on the other side of the woods.

CRITICAL ANALYSIS

Gaston states in a very boastful manor that as an adult, he eats five dozen eggs a day. Let’s make this very clear, that’s 60 a day! Now Cool Hand Luke tried to eat 50 and was clearly suffering afterwards, jeez the poor fucker could barely move! And that’s not even just 60 eggs a day, this is just for breakfast. FOR BREAKFAST! That doesn’t even include the fact that he may even enjoy an omelette or even an egg mayonnaise sandwich later on in the day.

Now I’m no biologist, but five dozen eggs a day, let alone for breakfast is going to give that poor lad some serious constipation. Eggs bind, fact. Let’s face it, Gaston wouldn’t find the time to chase Belle and then of course try and kill the beast as he would be way to busy shitting out his spleen! Well, at least trying to maybe.

INSPIRED BY: Recent live action adaptations of Cinderella and The Jungle Book.

INSPIRED: Ewan Mcgregor to channel his inner Inspector Clouseau.

MORAL: Never trust an unstable bridge.

VERDICT: Beautyful. Sorry.

PEPPA PIG: MY FIRST CINEMA EXPERIENCE

DIRECTOR: I really have no idea but I would put a bet on that he spent the whole process muttering “it’s a job, it’s a job, it’s a job”!

CAST: All the usuals from the programme. And Brian Blessed. He’s in Peppa Pig sometimes, in fact he’s bloody everywhere isn’t he? Just give him an opportunity to shout uncontrollably and he’s anybodies!

PLOT: In a nutshell, The Pig family will go on a day out (presumably the cinema in this case), Peppa will act like a spoilt shit and will in particular be an arse to her younger brother (who to be fair is a whingy little twat anyway) while her stupid sap parents blindly accepts their children’s spoilt behaviour and provide a distraction rather than issue any discipline.

So they go out, shit happens, Peppa says something obnoxious or stupid (or both) and everybody will laugh and fall over. The end.

CRITICAL ANALYSIS: Peppa Pig is a twat!

INSPIRED BY: Animal Farm

INSPIRED: Children around the world to believe that they are entitled to become spoilt little dick heads.

VERDICT: She’s a spoilt twat. But I may have already expressed my opinions on that.

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