JAWS

DIRECTOR: Steven Spielberg

CAST: Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss, Robert Shaw, Lorraine Gary, Murray Hamilton

PLOT: After a bunch of townsfolk are gobbled up by a mother-fucking Great White Shark, the police chief, a shark expert and a shark hunter take out the latter’s shitty boat in an attempt to kill it. And that’s pretty much it, sounds basic as fuck right? It’s not. It’s the tits!

CRITICAL ANALYSIS:

All of the shark related deaths in the film are no doubt tragic. None more so than the little Kintner boy who had so much of his life still ahead of him. However, without being insensitive, perhaps death by shark was a blessing in disguise. Let’s bare this in mind, Alex (I believe that was his name) shot out into the sea for one last paddle on his lilo. Now, as we should all be aware, currents and rip-tides are no joke. We see it all the time where the coast guard is called out to save someone who has floated into the arse end of nowhere on their inflatable bastard boats. Let’s be honest, they’re fucking death traps! So with this in mind, though tragic, at least Alex’s death was quick and decisive. I would imagine that he would rather that than starving to death after drifting haplessly into the middle of the ocean. Of course there is a small chance that he may come across a big ass boat ala Castaway, but the chances are minimal.

MORAL: Boating lakes are dangerous too!

INSPIRED: every single piss awful killer shark movie made since 1975.

INSPIRED BY: I dunno. Moby Dick? There’s another example of a big bastard sea creature battering the hell out of a boat for no reason. The dick.

VERDICT: The best shark movie ever made. Which to be fair doesn’t give it the props it deserves as we are comparing it too shit like Deep Blue Sea, Jaws 2,3D & The Revenge and of course the Shark Attack movies. Seriously, this is the film equivalent of Barcelona FC playing in the same league as Halifax and Altringham.