DIRECTOR: Franklin J. Schaffner

CAST: Charlton Heston and a bunch of people dressed as monkeys.

PLOT: 3 NASA pilots crash land on a planet of some kind. 2 die, Charlton Heston doesn’t. He does however get caught in a net by an army of monkeys on horseback along with more human beings who, unlike Chuck, can’t talk. I know, odd.

When Chuck does talk the apes are like ‘what the fuck?’ and hand him over to the scientist monkeys who end up (eventually) helping him escape, along with his new mute fit-bitch.

So Heston and his new piece are trotting along some forbidden zone on their way to safety where they, well you know the end. Jesus, I had never seen the film and I knew the fucking end.

CRITICAL ANALYSIS: When the astranouts crash land Heston notes that it’s the year 3978. Now I am no scientist and I am aware that copper takes a long time to corrode, but I seriously doubt that the Statue of Liberty would still be there and intact. Just saying.

INSPIRED BY: The Jungle Book.

INSPIRED: Harry and the Hendersons

REASON TO WATCH: Because it’s ace. But no need to watch the sequels cos they’re, you know, pretty shite. But not the new ones, they’re ace too!

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