BACCA’S BIO’S – Dustin Hoffman

Dustin Hoffman has led an eventful life. A quiet an unassuming child, he achieved fantastic grades at school and was the toast of his family. However, things changed drastically when it became known that he was having sexual encounters with the wife of his dad’s friend. After suffering the indignation of being the black sheep of the family, Dustin made himself even more unpopular when he ran off with his former lover’s daughter.

After jumping on a random bus, the star crossed lovers found themselves in New York. Their relationship took a downward spiral which left Hoffman down and destitute, his only comfort coming from a relationship that he developed with a failed gigolo.

He soon turned his life around when he met a beautiful English woman and left America to forge a new life in the idyllic county of Cornwall. Tis a lovely place.

What should have been a perfect change of pace turned out to be a nightmare as the Cornish locals were very hostile. In fact, he and his wife were terrorised to such an extent, Hoffman had to go all vigilante and waste the fuckers.

Despite claiming self defence. Hoffman was sent to an island prison as punishment for his crimes. After serving his time, he went back to New York where he became a student and took up long distance running. While there, he became re-acquainted with his brother who, as it turns out was an international spy. Tragically, Dustin’s brother died in his flat, which led to him to him being chased, caught, tortured and chased again by a fiendish group of international terrorists.

This case of mistaken identity and resulting drama finally made Hoffman realise that New York was not the place for him. He instead moved to Washington to become a journalist. After helping uncover the Watergate scandal, he met and married Meryl Streep where they reared a beautiful young son. Unfortunately, the marriage dissolved and the ensuing legal battle for their son was a painful one.

The stress of it all took it’s toll on Hoffman to such an extent, he withdrew himself into a level of autism so severe, nobody could reach him. After taking a trip to Las Vegas with his half brother, Hoffman began a slow road to recovery.

His transition back to reality wasn’t smooth though. He was often found wondering through television studios dressed as a woman and for no apparent reason, he developed an unquenchable hatred for Peter Pan.

It’s been a long road for Dustin Hoffman, some may say that he hasn’t fully recovered from the mental anguish which he sustained years before.

In recent years he has been known to own a shop to which he claims is magical. He has also claimed to have taught a panda bear the art of Kung Fu.

Very sad.

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY 2

DIRECTOR: James Gunn

CAST: Chris Pratt, Batista, Claire Forlani’s dad in Mallrats, Tango & Cash

PLOT: The Guardians are doing their shit, as they do, for whoever requires. At the the beginning of this they do a job for The Sovereign, who are a race of people who look victims of Goldfinger.

Problem is, once done, Rocket steals something from them which, you know, pisses them off. Thus starts an inter-galactic battle which leads to the gang landing on a planet which happens to be inhabited by Peter’s dad.

What follows is Peter’s dad’s back-story which intertwines with a father son plot progression which becomes INTEGRAL to the plot. Meanwhile, the gold people hire Yondu (the blue guy with the mohawk) and his team to catch the Guardians and return them to her. So from there we get a bit of mutiny, a bit of naughtiness and a fuck load of action.

As you would imagine, the galaxy is up shit creek and it’s up to the Guardians to sort it. Which of course they do. And to top it off, ‘Awesome Mix Vol: 2’ has some mega tunes on it!

CRITICAL ANALYSIS: During the opening dogfight, all of the Sovereign are fighting the Guardians from virtual ships, very similar to the kind of machines where 80’s kids would play ‘Super Hang On’ and ‘Afterburner’ on. So if one the Sovereign got shot down, it would essentially be ‘Game Over’.

Anyway, during the battle, the Guardians manage to eliminate everyone bar one guy who’s still shooting away on his Sega Rally type thing. When he finally gets eliminated, everyone around him are like “ah you suck” and “how rubbish” etc. news flash people, he was the last to be eliminated! That means he did a better job than you! You fucktards!

INSPIRED BY: The Evil Dead. A group of misfits and a living tree. Think about it.

INSPIRED: Guardians. Granted it may not have actually inspired this Russian film, but it’s a superhero movie called Guardians which is released on DVD as Guardians of the Galaxy 2 is released in the cinema. No coincidence.

MORAL: Fleetwood Mac inspires the kicking of ass. Fact!