DIRECTOR: Michael Bay. Yes indeed. All of these monstrosities were directed by this man.

CAST: Shia Labouf, Megan Fox. Mark Wahlberg. Stanley Tucci., numerous women who can be well shot from below. The list goes on.

PLOT(S): We begin with TRANSFORMERS. Shia Labouf receives a car that is also a robot and inadvertently gets in the middle of a fuck off great big battle between the Autobots (the goodies) and the Decepticons (baddies). The American army also get involved so we get a shitload of shooting with some robot and building based carnage and possibly some plot.

TRANSFORMERS 2 – CRUISE CONTROL They blow up some shit in Egypt. Optimus Prime dies. It was arse.

TRANSFORMERS 3 – JUDGEMENT DAY: You know what? I honestly can’t remember shit about this one. I remember Megan Fox not being in it but that’s it. Oh no wait! Optimus Prime comes back. I don’t know why. There was probably absolutely no need. It was ball bags.

TRANSFORMERS 4 – JASON TAKES MANHATTAN: Ok so shit changes up for this one. Labouf is out, Mr Mark Wahlberg is in. He is a restorer type who has a very fit (obviously) daughter. He is very protective of the virtue of said daughter despite the fact that she has boned her racing driver boyfriend like loads of times. Dirty bitch.

So Wahlberg inherits a dusty fucked up truck which turns out to be Optimus Prime. He starts working on him until a load of dudes in suits turn up and, you know, shoot the fuck out of them. There is then a car chase which leads to the middle section of the film which, and I’ll be honest’ is just a blur. People talk, bad guys do shit, Stanley Tucci’s in there somewhere and there are probably some bad robots I really don’t remember. I’ll be honest, it was just a mess. A massively overlong, 3 hours that felt like 52 gigantic turd of a mess.

The film climaxes with a big badass robot battle (of course) where, seemingly out of absolutely fucking nowhere, the Dinobots turn up. For the record, the Dinobots are dinosaur robots. Anyways, they turn up, clean house and then it ends. I think.

CRITICAL ANALYSIS: In the climax of the first movie. The dude who was in the army (it may not be the army, he was in the forces either way) slides on his backside on the concrete floor for what seems like around 20 yards (maybe more) in which he shoots the big bad robot (could be Megatron, it was at least ten years ago) from underneath and saves the day.

Perspective time. Now I had a mate who shagged a bird on my front room carpet once and he couldn’t kneel down for a week. And that is just from some casual intercourse. Now this guy slides on his ass for God knows how many metres at one hell of a speed and he gets up and walks away? Are you fucking serious? My God the man would need skin grafts on his butt for the rest of his bastard life! Of course, I’m aware that that the adrenaline of the situation could make him ignorant to the skin shedding from underneath but afterwards? The poor fucker wouldn’t be able to fucking move! Unless he was wearing Kevlar underpants of course, then it’s slightly possible. Only slightly mind.

MORAL: Always treat your machinery with love and respect. Your car, truck or toaster my end up being an intergalactic robot fighting for your planet!

INSPIRED BY: A toy line. It joins the list of the great toy line movies along with JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS and MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE.

WILL INSPIRE: Stretch Armstrong the movie.

SEQUEL POTENTIAL? Of course! Apparently there’s another 5 planned. 5!!! I can only presume that there’s a few more world wonders that Michael Bay has yet to blow up.

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