DIRECTOR – Guillermo “Hellboy Pans Labyrinth Pacific Rim” Del Toro

CAST – Sally Hawkins, Michael Shannon, Octavia Spencer and the guy who’s in loads of Del Toro’s stuff but no one knows who he is. He plays all the creatures in Pans Labyrinth etc, so he plays characters who will essentially be C G’d. So he’s basically like Andy Serkis, except from the fact that we know who Andy Serkis is.

PLOT – A girl who doesn’t talk cleans in a government unit where they seem to look after random secret things for scientific experiments and such. Enter exhibit A where they have a Mer-man who bites peoples fingers off and shit.

Dumb girl meets him, and when I say dumb, I mean she doesn’t talk, she’s not thick. Anyway, she and the Mer-man bond over boiled eggs and sign language, they fall in love and she hatches a plan for him to escape the facility. Pretty much it.

CRITICAL ANALYSIS – So, Sally Hawkins’ character falls in love with part man part fish and naturally she wants to give in to urges, it’s only natural. However, that’s bestiality right? I know he’s built like a man but… He’s a fucking fish!!! I mean this is cold war era, you couldn’t even be gay then! So fornicating with a fish man would probably be frowned upon.


INSPIRED/WILL INSPIRE – A new Sea World attraction. I mean they need to think of something different. Blackfish ruined killer whale shows for everyone.

REASON TO WATCH – It’s lovely. Of course, the premise sounds fucked up but it’s really really lovely.

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