Cast: Al Pacino, Michelle Pfieffer, guy with a big quiff, Maid Marion from Robin Hood Prince of Thieves.

Plot: Tony Montana is an immigrant in the good ol’ U.S of A and gets in with some bad dudes who he promptly fucks over. From then he deals lots of cocaine, snort lots of cocaine, shouts a lot and kills numerous people. He soon introduces everybody to his little friend, shoots his load before getting rifled from behind.

Critical Analysis: So much shouting. It’s like going round my Aunties for a family barbecue, there really is no need for it, you are a yard away, we will hear you fine!

Inspired by: ‘Scarface’

Inspired: Al Pacino to make a career out of shouting, mumbling and making random noises from then on.*

Watch it for: the seriously awesome bath.

Moral: Just say no kids!

 Verdict: Nothing to be snorted at. That’s a cocaine gag. Yes, I went there!

*Ignoring ‘Carlito’s Way’, ‘Insomnia’ and ‘Heat’, although the ‘great ass’ line from Heat does sort of exemplify my point.



Dir: Tony ‘Top Gun’ Scott

Cast: Tom ‘Top Gun’ Cruise, Nicole Kidman, Other people

Plot: Hot shot rookie Nascar driver played by Tom Cruise is awesome at driving race cars, has a best mate in his pit crew and doesn’t get on with his icy, less charismatic rival. Involved in a big crash which almost kills him and shatters his confidence, finds muse in a girl with a big blonde perm which allows him to re-assess his life and re-find his focus. Makes peace with rival, kicks ass in the final race and goes off with the girl.

Critical Analysis: So the film company involved naturally thinks “We’ll get the director of Top Gun, the star of Top Gun and we’ll use the basic storyline of Top Gun and we’ll get a blondie fitter than the bird from Top Gun, how could that not work?”

Well my loves, it didn’t really work as plagiarism tends not to. When something is done and done well, the general public (unless we are in a mood to be very easily pleased) tends not to be interested in a new version of the same thing, no better how well you try to mask it. But of course I’m clearly preaching to deaf ears. E.T was a massive success and clearly a true work of original brilliance, so what do these genius’ in suits do? They make ‘Mac and Me’, a story about a boy who happens upon an alien who wants to find his way home. It tanked, no shit! And it goes on, the Twilight saga gives the classic vampire concept a nice modern outlook, with phenomenal results. From then of course, somebody thinks of giving fairy tales a different outlook. “How about we do a film a bout Little Red Riding Hood?” someone murmurs, “we’ll set it in the old days but give it a thoroughly modern outlook which will allow the audience to have a completely different aspect of the character, that’ll work!”

And it does, kind of, I mean not brilliantly but it was arguably a relatively refreshing concept, but wait! Did I hear you say refreshing and original concept? Did it work? It did? Oh sweet, let’s follow the same rule with Snow White, Cinderella, Jack and the Beanstalk and that weird looking Queen with the horns from Sleeping Beauty. What? We killed the formula? Oh well, it was a fresh idea for a while, now let’s find something fresh and original so we can balls that up too!

Inspired: British people to think that Nascar would be interesting. We were wrong.

Inspired by: the storyline of Top Gun, using the director of Top Gun and the success of Top Gun.

Moral: Money isn’t everything.

Verdict: Not as good as Top Gun.


Cast: Tom Cruise, Val Kilmer, Tom Skerrit, Kelly Mcguillis, or is it Mcguinness? No it’s definitely Mcgullis and the headmaster from Back to the Future, you know, the bald guy.

Plot: Hot shot rookie fighter pilot played by Tom Cruise is awesome at flying planes, has a best mate/co pilot called Goose and doesn’t get on with his icy, less charismatic rival. Involved in a big accident which kills Goose and shatters his confidence, finds muse in a psychologist with a big blonde perm which allows him to re-assess his life and re-find his focus. Makes peace with rival, kicks ass in the final battle and goes off with the girl.

Critical Analysis: : After confronting his demons and saving the ass of former nemesis and over night best mate Ice Man, Maverick (Tom Cruise in the peak of his slick hair gel period) sits lonely in the café while pondering over the one who got away (Kelly Mcguillis in the peak of her buffont bubble perm period). Enter said bubble haired heroine as she slots a dime (or quarter, or even a dollar! Who knows?) into the jukebox to play ‘their tune’, Mav turns around, sees the perm and boom! Love rekindled and life is made worthwhile.

A beautiful moment it may be, but let’s be honest, how many times have you stuck your money in a jukebox and have your first song come on straight away? Granted it can happen but, like a total eclipse or a streaker at a cup final, it doesn’t happen often and it’s quite often a moment to treasure! The grim reality is, you bung your shrapnel in and if you’re lucky, you have to wait for about three songs to play before your choices pop up, and to be frank, that’s after spending half the evening trying to find the tune that you’re bloody looking for!

So here’s the reality, Mcguillis walks in, sees Cruise moping over his coffee at the bar, pops in her quarter (dime, dollar etc) and waits for the sweet sound of Berlin only for ‘Baggy Trousers’ by Madness to fill the room. After standing by the jukebox for another two songs, she thinks fuck it, I may as well just go over there and tap him on the shoulder, I mean ‘Shadappa Your Face’ wasn’t really what I was going for but sod it, I’m here now.

Underwhelming I know, but face it, that’s pretty much how the proverbial cookie would crumble.

Happily ever after? Fighter Pilot with a penchant for reckless endangerment coupled with a Psychologist? Surely that’s just a wet dream for both of them!

Inspired by: the notion that America would and could never start a conflict, but hell they’ll bloody well end one with great fanfare and cutthroat precision cos that’s why they’re the greatest country in the world! Oh say can you see…

Inspired: people to think that Aviator sunglasses were cool.

Watch it for: 2 doses of Kenny Loggins! And for the ladies, the completely gratuitous and unnecessary half naked, greased up game of volleyball.

Verdict: Breath-taking! Boom!






Cast: Adele Dazeem, the dude in Pixels with the bubble perm and glasses.

Plot: Princess Elsa and Princess Anna (pronounced Aaaghna or Arna if you will) are sisters (naturally) and live in a big palace, which princesses tend to do in Disney movies. Anna is normal, Elsa is not as she can shoot ice out of her fingers and create snow and shit.

So one morning, the two toddlers sneak into one of the big rooms so Elsa can create some snow related magic and as is always the case with kids things get out of hand, in this case being Elsa knocking the fuck out of Anna with a shot of ice to the head. Now, to quickly digress, I would be very sure that they were given constant warnings about being careful and of course with them being toddlers, they no doubt met these warnings with complete and utter ignorance! Anyway, the king and Queen take Anna to a load of trolls who fix her and then warn that Elsa needs to control her powers, which for some random reason leads the parents to believe that having her ignore Anna and become a social outcast for like the next twenty years or something would be the best policy. Well maybe not twenty years but a fair few. Oh yeah, the troll thingies tell all that if anyone ever got shot in the heart, they would freeze to death unless having the curse broken by an act of true love. Now you want to remember this, it’s kind of Frozen’s ‘with great power comes great responsibility’ moment!

Ok so fast forward ‘twenty’ years, the King and Queen are long dead (shipwreck) and Elsa is getting crowned as the new Queen. She finally opens the gates of the palace to the public as she can control her icy powers with a pair of gloves. Gloves! Meanwhile, in the space of a song, Anna falls in love with some guy called Hans (not Gruber from Die Hard, that’d be fucking ace), gets engaged and tells Elsa who is no happy bunny. They argue to which Elsa loses a glove and BOOM, ice carnage!

So Elsa effs off in disgrace and freezes the whole kingdom as she does it, soon gets over it and builds herself a kick ass palace. Anna leaves Hans in charge while she goes after her with the help of a dude called Kristoff who has a reindeer and a sleigh, and what’s more, he happens to be a nice bloke despite having the name resembling a James Bond villain.

So Anna, Kristoff, Sven (the reindeer) and Olaf (a talking snowman) find Elsa’s palace, Elsa doesn’t want to go back and slams some ice into Anna’s heart, which to be fair is becoming a bit of a bad habit.

Anna is now up shit creek and needs to get home and kiss Hans (true loves kiss blah blah) while Hans goes out to find her and happens upon the ice palace to which Elsa gets captured by his guards and taken back to her own real un-icy palace, as a prisoner (I know, not cool).

Kristoff god love him drops off Anna for Hans even though he is totes in love with her and won’t admit it, she goes to kiss Hans and he drops the big one and tells her that he conned her for the power. What a shit. Meanwhile Elsa is chained in the dungeon (why would a modern day palace have a dungeon?) where Hans pops in and tells her that Anna is dead, this pisses her off big style which causes her to lose it (again) and have her break out. Anna sees Kristoff storming in the grounds on Sven the reindeer as he’s finally figured that he’s in love (three cheers for that man!) and she goes out to meet him as she’s figured the same thing and she’s got to get to him quick because she’s now like, really cold.

Just as she’s about to do the true loves kiss thing, she sees Elsa who’s about to get nailed (with a sword) by Hans, changes her direction and jumps right in front of him (similar to how a primary school teacher would randomly walk in front of oncoming traffic in order to let their class cross the road) and promptly freezes. I mean like, really freezes, not like in a game of musical statues. 

Just as we start getting sad, Anna starts to thaw, why you ask? Because she jumped in front of her sister in order to save her life, that being an act of true love. You see people? They put a clever little spin on it! We all thought, act of true love = true loves kiss which also = Shrek’s already been there but no! They pulled the rug from under us the cheeky monkeys.

Of course, everybody’s happy. Summer is restored, Elsa can control her powers (controlled by love, who knew?) and Anna and Kristoff get it on, happy days.

Critical Analysis: If you have no idea how enormously huge this film has become, you clearly don’t have children or ever visit a shop! Of course, pretty much any Disney animated movie is going to be a success (ignoring Treasure Planet of course) but the cash cow that this film has become is pretty damn amazing. 

Now my burning question is not why, as quite clearly two female heroines coupled with one of them having some kick ass magic means ching fucking ching, but why is Elsa the one that all the kids love?

Naturally, magic powers go a long way but what bugs me is that she caused all of the problems, froze the bloody kingdom into an eternal winter and she’s the effing hero? Baffling! And you know what else kids? She’s also a bloody poor role model! Firstly, how many people tell you that if you have a problem, you should confide in someone? Pretty much everyone right? So what does Elsa do, she fucking holes up in her bedroom and becomes a loner. Nice one!

Number two, she is damn skinny and pale which is basically an advert for an eating disorder. Either that or she’s Eastern European, but that’s not for me to say. And finally as I mentioned earlier, she froze the whole fucking kingdom!!! Then she bloody runs away and refuses to come back and fix the problem as she doesn’t want to make the issue worse. Noble it may seem but essentially she’s a damn coward, so you kids are essentially idolising a crash dieting loner who runs away from all of her troubles. 

Now Anna on the other hand goes through hell and high water while consistently risking her life to save her sister and her kingdom and all the kids are like ‘meh’. And all because she can’t shoot ice out of her fingers poor soul, does all of the hard work and gets sod all of the glory! Having said that however, Elsa does have a better dress which makes all the difference at birthday parties!

There is of course one more question that I feel needs to be asked, and it regards the wacky snowman and comedy foil Olaf. And the question is this, rather than daft, zany and comical, is he not just piss annoying? 

Happily Ever After?  Yeah good chance, Anna is quite clearly shit at figuring who’s a decent guy, I mean even if Hans was genuine he was still undeniably a dick. What’s more, she and Kristoff’s been through plenty which helps, which means they can’t know each other much better. Plus she’ll have a load of magic trolls as in-laws which is very helpful if Elsa goes all shit with her aim again. In Kristoff’s case, spot on! Not only is she great for him, she’s a fucking princess! Jackpot my friend, jackpot!

Watch it For: ‘Let It Go’. Of course it’s now horrendously overplayed and possibly mega irritating, but within the context of the film it still kicks fucking ass

Inspired by: ‘The Ice Queen’ (Hans Anderson story)

Inspired: ‘The Ice Queen’ straight to DVD movie that I saw in Tesco. It had the same title font as ‘Frozen’ for goodness sake!

Moral: Never trust anyone called Hans. And if Anna had watched Die Hard she would already know this!

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