BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (2017)

DIRECTOR: Bill Condon

CAST

Hermione Granger, the guy from Downton Abbey who died in a car crash on Christmas day, Luke Evans, Kevin Kline, Gandalf, Ewan McGregor, Olaf.

PLOT

Same as the original. Except we have a bit more back story, like for instance, there’s a reason why nobody paid attention that there’s a fucking great big castle on the other side of the woods.

CRITICAL ANALYSIS

Gaston states in a very boastful manor that as an adult, he eats five dozen eggs a day. Let’s make this very clear, that’s 60 a day! Now Cool Hand Luke tried to eat 50 and was clearly suffering afterwards, jeez the poor fucker could barely move! And that’s not even just 60 eggs a day, this is just for breakfast. FOR BREAKFAST! That doesn’t even include the fact that he may even enjoy an omelette or even an egg mayonnaise sandwich later on in the day.

Now I’m no biologist, but five dozen eggs a day, let alone for breakfast is going to give that poor lad some serious constipation. Eggs bind, fact. Let’s face it, Gaston wouldn’t find the time to chase Belle and then of course try and kill the beast as he would be way to busy shitting out his spleen! Well, at least trying to maybe.

INSPIRED BY: Recent live action adaptations of Cinderella and The Jungle Book.

INSPIRED: Ewan Mcgregor to channel his inner Inspector Clouseau.

MORAL: Never trust an unstable bridge.

VERDICT: Beautyful. Sorry.

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