12 FEET DEEP

DIRECTOR: Matt Eskandari

CAST: Nora-Jane Noone, Diane Farr, Jigsaw

PLOT: 2 sisters go swimming in a public pool. As the pool is closing they jump back in to get a ring which one of the sisters lost at the bottom. The pool owner sees an empty pool and closes up. The girls are now trapped under a fibreglass cover where they have to survive the night. The sisters now spend the night trying to survive the elements and re-build their fragile relationship etc etc.

CRITICAL ANALYSIS: Now this situation is easily avoided. Not only is it very helpful from a health and safety standpoint, it’s also the polite thing to do. If you leave something behind somewhere, whether it be a closing shop, cinema or lets say… swimming pool, you find a member of staff and let them know what you’re doing. If they lock the store not knowing that you’re there, they then have to let you out which delays what they have to do. And that is a ball ache. Even worse if they lock you in and leave, they the poor fuckers will no doubt face a disciplinary, or worse lose their job. All because of your self serving stupidity.

MORAL: Essentially, you need to be careful when planning a trip out. And you must be vigilant of all potential trap-falls as you really don’t want to find yourself stuck anywhere with no means of escape. Especially when with a sibling, they have an unnatural ability of knowing how to piss you off.

INSPIRED BY: The current genre of films that can best be described as ‘stuck and fucked’. (see The Shallows, Open Water, Frozen (a film about people stranded on a ski lift. Not the Disney film)

WILL INSPIRE: More ‘stuck and fucked’ films

REASON TO WATCH: Nora-Jane Noone. You may well remember her as the promiscuous one in The Magdalene Sisters. Terrific actress. Deserves more.

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TRANSFORMERS SAGA

DIRECTOR: Michael Bay. Yes indeed. All of these monstrosities were directed by this man.

CAST: Shia Labouf, Megan Fox. Mark Wahlberg. Stanley Tucci., numerous women who can be well shot from below. The list goes on.

PLOT(S): We begin with TRANSFORMERS. Shia Labouf receives a car that is also a robot and inadvertently gets in the middle of a fuck off great big battle between the Autobots (the goodies) and the Decepticons (baddies). The American army also get involved so we get a shitload of shooting with some robot and building based carnage and possibly some plot.

TRANSFORMERS 2 – CRUISE CONTROL They blow up some shit in Egypt. Optimus Prime dies. It was arse.

TRANSFORMERS 3 – JUDGEMENT DAY: You know what? I honestly can’t remember shit about this one. I remember Megan Fox not being in it but that’s it. Oh no wait! Optimus Prime comes back. I don’t know why. There was probably absolutely no need. It was ball bags.

TRANSFORMERS 4 – JASON TAKES MANHATTAN: Ok so shit changes up for this one. Labouf is out, Mr Mark Wahlberg is in. He is a restorer type who has a very fit (obviously) daughter. He is very protective of the virtue of said daughter despite the fact that she has boned her racing driver boyfriend like loads of times. Dirty bitch.

So Wahlberg inherits a dusty fucked up truck which turns out to be Optimus Prime. He starts working on him until a load of dudes in suits turn up and, you know, shoot the fuck out of them. There is then a car chase which leads to the middle section of the film which, and I’ll be honest’ is just a blur. People talk, bad guys do shit, Stanley Tucci’s in there somewhere and there are probably some bad robots I really don’t remember. I’ll be honest, it was just a mess. A massively overlong, 3 hours that felt like 52 gigantic turd of a mess.

The film climaxes with a big badass robot battle (of course) where, seemingly out of absolutely fucking nowhere, the Dinobots turn up. For the record, the Dinobots are dinosaur robots. Anyways, they turn up, clean house and then it ends. I think.

CRITICAL ANALYSIS: In the climax of the first movie. The dude who was in the army (it may not be the army, he was in the forces either way) slides on his backside on the concrete floor for what seems like around 20 yards (maybe more) in which he shoots the big bad robot (could be Megatron, it was at least ten years ago) from underneath and saves the day.

Perspective time. Now I had a mate who shagged a bird on my front room carpet once and he couldn’t kneel down for a week. And that is just from some casual intercourse. Now this guy slides on his ass for God knows how many metres at one hell of a speed and he gets up and walks away? Are you fucking serious? My God the man would need skin grafts on his butt for the rest of his bastard life! Of course, I’m aware that that the adrenaline of the situation could make him ignorant to the skin shedding from underneath but afterwards? The poor fucker wouldn’t be able to fucking move! Unless he was wearing Kevlar underpants of course, then it’s slightly possible. Only slightly mind.

MORAL: Always treat your machinery with love and respect. Your car, truck or toaster my end up being an intergalactic robot fighting for your planet!

INSPIRED BY: A toy line. It joins the list of the great toy line movies along with JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS and MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE.

WILL INSPIRE: Stretch Armstrong the movie.

SEQUEL POTENTIAL? Of course! Apparently there’s another 5 planned. 5!!! I can only presume that there’s a few more world wonders that Michael Bay has yet to blow up.

BACCA’S BIO’S – Dustin Hoffman

Dustin Hoffman has led an eventful life. A quiet an unassuming child, he achieved fantastic grades at school and was the toast of his family. However, things changed drastically when it became known that he was having sexual encounters with the wife of his dad’s friend. After suffering the indignation of being the black sheep of the family, Dustin made himself even more unpopular when he ran off with his former lover’s daughter.

After jumping on a random bus, the star crossed lovers found themselves in New York. Their relationship took a downward spiral which left Hoffman down and destitute, his only comfort coming from a relationship that he developed with a failed gigolo.

He soon turned his life around when he met a beautiful English woman and left America to forge a new life in the idyllic county of Cornwall. Tis a lovely place.

What should have been a perfect change of pace turned out to be a nightmare as the Cornish locals were very hostile. In fact, he and his wife were terrorised to such an extent, Hoffman had to go all vigilante and waste the fuckers.

Despite claiming self defence. Hoffman was sent to an island prison as punishment for his crimes. After serving his time, he went back to New York where he became a student and took up long distance running. While there, he became re-acquainted with his brother who, as it turns out was an international spy. Tragically, Dustin’s brother died in his flat, which led to him to him being chased, caught, tortured and chased again by a fiendish group of international terrorists.

This case of mistaken identity and resulting drama finally made Hoffman realise that New York was not the place for him. He instead moved to Washington to become a journalist. After helping uncover the Watergate scandal, he met and married Meryl Streep where they reared a beautiful young son. Unfortunately, the marriage dissolved and the ensuing legal battle for their son was a painful one.

The stress of it all took it’s toll on Hoffman to such an extent, he withdrew himself into a level of autism so severe, nobody could reach him. After taking a trip to Las Vegas with his half brother, Hoffman began a slow road to recovery.

His transition back to reality wasn’t smooth though. He was often found wondering through television studios dressed as a woman and for no apparent reason, he developed an unquenchable hatred for Peter Pan.

It’s been a long road for Dustin Hoffman, some may say that he hasn’t fully recovered from the mental anguish which he sustained years before.

In recent years he has been known to own a shop to which he claims is magical. He has also claimed to have taught a panda bear the art of Kung Fu.

Very sad.

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY 2

DIRECTOR: James Gunn

CAST: Chris Pratt, Batista, Claire Forlani’s dad in Mallrats, Tango & Cash

PLOT: The Guardians are doing their shit, as they do, for whoever requires. At the the beginning of this they do a job for The Sovereign, who are a race of people who look victims of Goldfinger.

Problem is, once done, Rocket steals something from them which, you know, pisses them off. Thus starts an inter-galactic battle which leads to the gang landing on a planet which happens to be inhabited by Peter’s dad.

What follows is Peter’s dad’s back-story which intertwines with a father son plot progression which becomes INTEGRAL to the plot. Meanwhile, the gold people hire Yondu (the blue guy with the mohawk) and his team to catch the Guardians and return them to her. So from there we get a bit of mutiny, a bit of naughtiness and a fuck load of action.

As you would imagine, the galaxy is up shit creek and it’s up to the Guardians to sort it. Which of course they do. And to top it off, ‘Awesome Mix Vol: 2’ has some mega tunes on it!

CRITICAL ANALYSIS: During the opening dogfight, all of the Sovereign are fighting the Guardians from virtual ships, very similar to the kind of machines where 80’s kids would play ‘Super Hang On’ and ‘Afterburner’ on. So if one the Sovereign got shot down, it would essentially be ‘Game Over’.

Anyway, during the battle, the Guardians manage to eliminate everyone bar one guy who’s still shooting away on his Sega Rally type thing. When he finally gets eliminated, everyone around him are like “ah you suck” and “how rubbish” etc. news flash people, he was the last to be eliminated! That means he did a better job than you! You fucktards!

INSPIRED BY: The Evil Dead. A group of misfits and a living tree. Think about it.

INSPIRED: Guardians. Granted it may not have actually inspired this Russian film, but it’s a superhero movie called Guardians which is released on DVD as Guardians of the Galaxy 2 is released in the cinema. No coincidence.

MORAL: Fleetwood Mac inspires the kicking of ass. Fact!

ALIEN

DIRECTOR: Ridley Scott

CAST: Sigourney Weaver, John Hurt, Tom Skerritt

PLOT: The crew aboard the spaceship ‘Nostromo’ are directed to a random planet from which they receive what looks like a stress call. The planet is dusty and windy as shitting hell which, in turn fucks up the ship. While some of the crew fix the ship, John Hurt gets face fucked by an alien specie and is suitably unconscious. Ripley (Weaver) doesn’t want them back on the ship, but is over-ridden which, in turn is probably a poor idea. Scrap that, it’s a poor idea.

A little time later, the alien thing detaches itself from John Hurt’s face and promptly dies, unlike Hurt who wakes up and feels fine. At least until dinner, when a little hideous alien baby bursts out of his chest. His fucking chest!!!

The ship’s crew scour the ship in a quest to find the alien, which subsequently gets big and bastard scary. In turn, each member of the crew gets picked off horrendously until Ripley is left to sort this shit out for herself, which she does. Sort of.

Oh and the crew had a cat, who also survives. Which is a relief.

CRITICAL ANALYSIS: Now being a child of the 90’s, I’ve had to witness the rise of many stupid fads (spokey dokeys and bermuda shorts to name but a few) and terms. One of which was ‘Girl Power’, most noticeably used by girl group ‘The Spice Girls’. Now I had issues with the Spice Girls, mainly due to the fact the Geri Halliwell came across as an obnoxious egotistical dick, but also because of this term ‘girl power’. Now don’t get me wrong, empowering a generation of soon to be women in a still male dominated world is nothing but positive, but let’s get this into perspective.

The Spice Girls were a music group, they sang, and shouted a lot. Ellen Ripley contended with severe emotional trauma while fending off and ultimately dispatching a huge motherfucking man-eating alien. Now that’s girl power twat-heads! That’s girl fucking power!

MORAL: Advanced technology is a wonderful thing, but inevitably will bite us in the ass. So approach with caution and my god, don’t trust it with your life!

INSPIRED: E.T

REASON TO WATCH: Because it’s ALIEN. If you haven’t seen it, liked PROMETHIUS and can’t figure out why some don’t like it. It’s because it’s not ALIEN!

PLANET OF THE APES

Source: PLANET OF THE APES

DIRECTOR: Franklin J. Schaffner

CAST: Charlton Heston and a bunch of people dressed as monkeys.

PLOT: 3 NASA pilots crash land on a planet of some kind. 2 die, Charlton Heston doesn’t. He does however get caught in a net by an army of monkeys on horseback along with more human beings who, unlike Chuck, can’t talk. I know, odd.

When Chuck does talk the apes are like ‘what the fuck?’ and hand him over to the scientist monkeys who end up (eventually) helping him escape, along with his new mute fit-bitch.

So Heston and his new piece are trotting along some forbidden zone on their way to safety where they, well you know the end. Jesus, I had never seen the film and I knew the fucking end.

CRITICAL ANALYSIS: When the astranouts crash land Heston notes that it’s the year 3978. Now I am no scientist and I am aware that copper takes a long time to corrode, but I seriously doubt that the Statue of Liberty would still be there and intact. Just saying.

INSPIRED BY: The Jungle Book.

INSPIRED: Harry and the Hendersons

REASON TO WATCH: Because it’s ace. But no need to watch the sequels cos they’re, you know, pretty shite. But not the new ones, they’re ace too!

PLANET OF THE APES

DIRECTOR: Franklin J. Schaffner

CAST: Charlton Heston and a bunch of people dressed as monkeys.

PLOT: 3 NASA pilots crash land on a planet of some kind. 2 die, Charlton Heston doesn’t. He does however get caught in a net by an army of monkeys on horseback along with more human beings who, unlike Chuck, can’t talk. I know, odd.

When Chuck does talk the apes are like ‘what the fuck?’ and hand him over to the scientist monkeys who end up (eventually) helping him escape, along with his new mute fit-bitch.

So Heston and his new piece are trotting along some forbidden zone on their way to safety where they, well you know the end. Jesus, I had never seen the film and I knew the fucking end.

CRITICAL ANALYSIS: When the astranouts crash land Heston notes that it’s the year 3978. Now I am no scientist and I am aware that copper takes a long time to corrode, but I seriously doubt that the Statue of Liberty would still be there and intact. Just saying.

INSPIRED BY: The Jungle Book.

INSPIRED: Harry and the Hendersons

REASON TO WATCH: Because it’s ace. But no need to watch the sequels cos they’re, you know, pretty shite. But not the new ones, they’re ace too!